Editor’s note: In 2006, Ruth Anne Maddox, then a staff writer with the Savage Pacer, put a face on domestic abuse by profiling “Ginger” and “Mary Anne,” two local women who opened up and shared their stories about surviving abusive marriages. The newspaper protected the identities of the women, as they continued to face harassment by their ex-husbands.No one imagined that two years later, Ruth Anne herself would become a victim of domestic violence. On Nov. 11, police found Ruth Anne murdered in her Prior Lake town home; her husband – Charles Anthony “Tony” Maddox Jr., who she was in the process of divorcing – remains in jail, charged with second-degree murder.We read the statistics and see the news reports, but we rarely see the faces of domestic abuse – victims, children and abusers. But the murder of Ruth Anne, a popular local news reporter, forced the community to face what no one wants to believe: that domestic violence is a wide-spread problem that is not defined by economics, education, ethnicity, sexual orientation, age or race.

There have been four murders in Prior Lake since 1998. Three of those four were the result of domestic violence.

With Ruth Anne’s death, we felt it was appropriate to address the issue of domestic abuse. For the first of a three-part series, we wanted to tell the story of the victims. Then we realized Ruth Anne already had done so.

Here is the story Ruth Anne wrote for the Sept. 2, 2006 Savage Pacer:

By Ruth Anne Maddox

Two local women hope to help other women lift the veils of secrecy they hide behind in their marriages or relationships by sharing their stories and letting others know that there is a light at the end of the tunnel.

“Ginger” and “Mary Anne” have left their islands of isolation after years of abuse from their former husbands. However, the women continue to face harassment so, to protect their identities, their real names are not being used.

Mary Anne, of Savage, spent nearly 20 years in an abusive marriage, was separated in 2004 and has been divorced since 2005. The last straw for her, she said, was when her 11-year-old daughter witnessed an attack and called 911 while screaming for her dad to stop.

“That horrified look on my daughter’s face is something I will never forget,” she said, while fighting back tears. “Seeing my daughter see that, I just knew that she would think that’s normal behavior.”

Ginger, of Prior Lake, is 8½ years post-divorce from an 18-year marriage and she said it was two years before she could begin to talk about what she’d gone through. Now, though, Ginger is very vocal and even talks to mentor groups in hopes of helping other women out of bad situations.

Her story differs from Mary Anne’s in that Ginger was not physically abused, but she suffered emotional and verbal abuse from her controlling ex-spouse. And there are other forms of abuse that can be inflicted, as well.

Mary Anne and Ginger both know about the cycle of abuse and how women “accept” abuse because their mothers did, which is true for both of them, and the cycle is tough to break. Ginger said it is estimated that less than 25 percent of abused women get out of the cycle of abuse throughout their lifetimes.

Family members told Ginger to “take it in the chin – that’s how Iron Range men are.”

“He’s a product of what he was brought up with and I’m a product of how I was raised,” said Mary Anne of her situation. She said that on that last-straw day, her husband had left the house by the time police arrived, but charges were filed and Child Protective Services got involved.

“He later said, ‘I can’t believe you did this to me,’” Mary Anne recalled.

“I rarely go anywhere alone but, when I do, I still do the over-the-shoulder look for the Tahoe,” she said.

The entire marriage wasn’t lived in fear, though. Mary Anne said although she suffered broken ribs, a punctured lung and numerous bumps and bruises and received a few stitches, her ex-husband “went 12 years without hitting me.” Abuse occurred both before and after that 12-year period and Mary Anne has no explanation for the reprieve in between.

“Sometimes, when you’ve been abused, you don’t know how to put it into words how you felt,” she said. “I’m lucky it never got worse than it did before I got out.”

Mary Anne she said her ex does have a drinking problem and she knows it affects his behavior.

At first, she hoped his behavior would change: “I thought I could love him happy.” But, after a while, it was obvious that he wasn’t going to change, so she would have to. And that meant getting out.

The times that her husband was charged in the assaults against her, Mary Anne thinks that he got “slaps on the hand” from the court.

One of the reasons that he received leniency, Mary Anne feels, is that he went before a different judge nearly every time he was in court.

And, she admits that her former husband is “nice looking,” “charismatic” and can be a “nice guy.”

“He’s a master manipulator and, in front of the judge, to see him you’d think, ‘That seems like a nice guy,’” she said.

Many times, the abuser in domestic assault cases are ordered to attend anger management classes, but these women believe something more needs to be done.

Ginger believes the abusers should be ordered to take part in an “abuse specific” program, where talk centers around what they’ve done and not just how not to get angry.

Mary Anne still receives harassing phone calls from her ex-husband and he has allegedly made threats against their three children, whom she said don’t want to see him until he gets some help. It’s not uncommon for Mary Anne to look out a window of her house and seen his car driving slowly past – both when there was a no contact order in place and when there wasn’t.

Because the couple has children, they will always have a tie and Mary Anne has found herself returning to court time and again – for child support, spousal maintenance, filing various documents – when her former husband doesn’t follow through on court orders. And each trip to the courthouse can be costly, both financially and emotionally. Mary Anne has taken $24,000 in a home equity loan to pay for her divorce.

“Something’s got to give with the system,” Mary Anne said. “The system makes it our problem and it’s just not right.”

Ginger’s abuse started about 10 years into the marriage – after she completed her college degree and landed a management-level job. She thinks her ex-husband became jealous of her success.

“As my confidence and self-esteem went up, his went down and the abuse increased,” she said. “He told our kids not to go to me with homework ‘because your mom’s too stupid to help.’”

While there was no physical abuse, the control issues were so extreme that Ginger couldn’t even put coats on her children if the weather changed while they were outdoors unless her husband said she could.

The last straw for her came on a Valentine’s Day when he complained to Ginger about not getting a card from the kids.

The day was also their son’s birthday, Ginger had spent the day at school and had gotten home to get dinner on the table so his “spoiled” behavior served as the trigger-factor “and I thought, ‘I’m done.’”

Thus began Ginger’s road to recovery and independence.

“He said if I left he would throw roadblocks up so I would never succeed,” she said of her former husband, yet she persevered.

“It’s a disease for women who just don’t know any better,” Ginger said of domestic violence. “Until they open up and talk, (many women) don’t feel safe enough or financially secure enough to leave.”

Ginger’s situation also differs from Mary Anne’s because she walked away from the marriage without child support or other financial arrangements, but she and her ex still return to court annually for mediation to deal with various post-divorce issues. She said he refuses to accept any type of counseling.

While her way seems to work for her, Ginger said she would encourage other women to go the route Mary Anne did and to document everything from Day 1.

“I always encourage court, but a lot of time, money and emotion go into it,” Ginger said. “This is why women don’t leave.”

Ginger has taken what she’s learned from her experiences and through endless reading about domestic abuse and she now gives presentations to women as a mentor for a women’s leadership group at North Hennepin Community College.

“I want to give back,” she said. “I want to teach. I finally get it.”

Additionally, she has compiled an “abuse healing” book list with recommendations for women in the process of or thinking about leaving an abusive relationship. The top three books on that list are:

§       “When Love Hurts, A Woman’s Guide to Understanding Abuse in Relationships” by Jill Cory and Karen McAndless-Davis

§       “Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men” by Lundy Bancroft

§       “The Batterer as Parent” by Lundy Bancroft

“I want to help flip the trigger to get them away from those men,” Ginger said of her desire to help other women. “I can’t change the behaviors, but I can educate women … Knowledge is power.”